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The more I work to better myself, the more I notice a certain trend: When I fail to meditate as much as I should or times when my emotions get away from me, I find a rather disturbing fact: I gave my permission for this to happen. This is what I desired to have happen, and I created the scenario.
A difficult thing to look at. It’s not pretty. “Oh, gee, I got too wrapped up in (insert mundane task here) to meditate. Darn, that really is too bad.” Well, yes, it is too bad. But I also am honest enough with myself at this point to realize that I made it happen. I knew that time was running short, and that while the mundane task would hold, getting my meditation practice in wouldn’t.
I find much the same whenever I push the envelope, and encounter resistance. I can usually identify resistance these days. The thing is that now I have to do some growing up to look it and myself in the eye and work past it. Like all resistance, it works from a whisper and then puts me entirely off track if left alone:
- First, a distraction will take my immediate focus off the issue at hand. This can either be a road-bump or something outside the context entirely.
- Now that my attention is diverted, I sidestep making real progress by working through whatever it is that has been brought to my attention. The longer this persists, the harder it is to get back on track.
- Almost always I find that on some level I am aware of the whole process.
- Ironically, I tend to get back on focus when it is just too late. This builds remorse and threatens a scenario in which I start beating myself up. Such behavior (of course) only reinforces the same pattern the next time.
Obviously, the most effective time to handle such cases is as early as possible. Simple procrastination gimmicks can help, but unless you really know what’s going on, they’ll be weak at best. Recognizing the pattern, and striving to break it is starting to yield some results for me, but the thing to keep in mind is to keep sniffing for that first wisp of smoke, and not let it get any further.
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