One interesting phenomenon that I haven’t really discussed is the interesting fact that the best books on marriage that I’ve read are really all about being a better person. Sounds obvious when I say it like that, doesn’t it? However, when you are looking for romantic reading material to share with that special someone, you aren’t really looking for self-development tools. I wasn’t, at least. (Quick note, here: I’m very happily very married. I picked up the book because I’m all about taking what’s good and making it better, and I figured that this was something to share with my beloved.)
Although this book’s intended purpose is to keep the spark and magic alive in a marriage, it approaches this topic from a radically different perspective from most such books in that it doesn’t start off assuming that either you or your partner are abnormal. It instead treats the marriage itself as (amongst other things) a way of becoming a better person. The author sometimes refers to it as a “people growing machine”.
The author has four ideas to keep in mind, four keys to making the most of your marriage. These traits and skills are:
- A clear sense of self.
- The ability to soothe yourself, not requiring someone else to do it for you.
- The ability to be “non-reactive”, not to be thrown off balance when your partner is.
- The willingness to experience discomfort in the name of progress and growth.
These are powerful, and as I was reveiwing them in my mind I realized that I’d come back to the exact same place where I usually find myself, but by an entirely unexpected road. While these are good for enhancing a committed relationship, they are also tenets for self-development in general. The clearer an idea you have of who you are, the better you are at handling your own emotions, the more you can keep your balance, and the more you have the courage of your convictions the more you can forge ahead in your life.
Interestingly enough, the author also mentions a common yet commonly overlooked way to practice and hone these skills: Being married 
. Through the inevitable frictions and disagreements, you and your partner help each other develop these skills. Here is an environment where you may not want that kind of “help” but ask anyone who’s married and you’ll find that you’ll get it just the same .
Interestingly enough, this is not the only such book with insights on personal growth based on relationships, but probably the only one I’ll mention here. The impressive work in this book (or short audio course) are so impressive that I couldn’t resist. If you would like to know more, check out the book:
Or check out the audio (2 CDs. Also available as instantly available mp3s.)
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