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In today’s podcast, I rise to Evan’s challenge, talking about desire as well as attachments. I bring some of my own story to the discussion, and ramble a bit 
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P.S. By popular demand (i.e. Evan asked for it), here is a text version of the podcast. I have taken some minor license for readability purposes, but it’s the same stuff:
This podcast is in response to Evan’s challenge.To review, desires can actually be very good, while attachments seem only to hurt you.
You can desire to have good health, you can desire to be well liked, you can desire a loving relationship, you can desire to be financially secure, you can desire any number of things, and those are all worthwhile things to desire.
On the other hand, to become so emotionally invested in the outcome of those, is to invite disaster. You see this on network sitcoms every day. Someone gets over-invested in a romantic relationship, thinking that “once I get that then everything’s going to be fine.” There are two problems with this.
First, they are trying so hard that they wind up sabotaging themselves, hence the comedy. Secondly, often when they force the issue actually get the relationship that they think they want, it backfires when they realize that it doesn’t make them happy after all.
So, it’s good to have desires, but it’s generally bad to have emotional attachment. It sounds paradoxical, and on the surface, it is. If I desire a loving relationship, I have emotional reasons for it, therefore it’s inherently emotional. How can there not be attachments? Well, there’s a couple of different ways to look at this.
Let’s go back to the sitcom character. Here we have a person trying to find a relationship. They’re doing everything in their power to find and grab this relationship, going to all the singles meet-up places, trying to force the event. In a typical sitcom manner, hilarity ensues, feelings are hurt, and next week it’s the same thing.
What this character might consider doing instead, is to acknowledge and feel their desire, but to try not to force it. Be open and accepting of what comes, but don’t put a stranglehold on the process.
I wasn’t planning on exploring this tangent, but I had a parallel experience in my own love life. I was looking for love. I was looking for a companion and wife to be by my side, that certain someone we all look for. I was trying hard. I’ve never been Mr. Social, but I became more social in the quest. I also started acting like someone other than myself and when I would meet people, I would come across wrong. I’d seem aloof, or just too “out there”. It was a real difficulty for me to learn to let go and be ready to gratefully accept what comes to me. I didn’t give up; I maintained my desire. I meditated and searched my soul for my reasons why I wanted the relationship. I asked the Universe that I be united with the one I’m looking for in its own perfect time, because I knew that if I did this that the person would eventually appear. I’m glad to say she has. However it wasn’t until I was able to let go of the heavy emotional attachment in the specific outcome that I was able to relax. When I was able to relax, that was when I got what I was looking for.
Desires are very powerful. They fuel massive change, but you have to be care not to short-circuit them by being invested in how it happens, which is where the attachment comes in.
The really interesting thing about attachments is that they are self-perpetuating. First, you get attached to the specific outcome. Then, you get attached to the attachment itself. From there, it snowballs until the whole scenario either falls apart, or blows up. All the while the attachment whispers to you, saying “stick with me. Keep feeding me and I’ll give you everything you want.” The sad truth is that it’s trying to sell you something that it’s actually taking away from you.
In my own life, I wasn’t being myself. I wasn’t being unethical, but I wasn’t being true to myself, either. It took me a heartbreak, and a post-mortem on the relationship to get me to ask “what’s going on?” The problem was that I wasn’t being who I really was. I had been trying to be somebody else at the direction of my attachment. Obviously such a plan is destined to blow up in your face, and it did. However, I couldn’t have really grokked that unless I’d had that experience. When all that was over, I resolved that I did still want a relationship, but that I would let it happen in its own way. And it did.
The same thing happened to me in a similar vein in my work life. I was so stressed out over the job and keeping it that it contributed to losing the job. There were lots of other factors in play (it was time to leave anyway) but it all fit together like a tapestry. It’s very interesting looking back and seeing how it all fits together. But I digress.
Desires are very good. Not everything that you desire will be yours, but as Leonard Nimoy said as Spock:
You may find that having is not nearly so pleasing as wanting. This is not logical, but it is often true.
I guess where I’m going with that is that you shouldn’t stop desiring, even if you might not get what you want. Desiring prompts action. Action is movement, and that’s what keeps things moving. Too few people actually act on their desires. Too many people make the mistake of not even bothering to desire anything, other than what’s in front of their nose. If more people were really in touch with their desires, the world would probably be a better place
