Think about what it feels like to savor the thought of revenge. Pretty sweet, I must say. When they least expect it, BAM! Their life gets totally blown off-course, and you’re there to laugh and enjoy the popcorn.
Vengeance is just one facet of allowing unforgiveness to run free, but it is one of the more seductive forms, because it feels good, in a way. But before we get to thoughts of sweet revenge, let’s go back a bit and see how this developed.
“I’ll never forgive you for this!”
We’ve all heard it, a thousand different ways. No matter who is doing and who is saying, the basic principle is the same: The person saying it is stating that if the other doesn’t back off, then the speaker will not let go of the matter, and that it will fill every interaction between the two.
Here we have two fictional brothers: The big brother wants to go buy a new toy (skateboard, video game, you get the idea). The little brother has a small-but-growing collection that is just starting to become valuable and will continue to be so.
The big brother sees this as a way to get the funding for the toy, so he goes to the little brother and says that he’ll take the collection and sell it. The little brother disagrees, because his collection means a lot to him. The big brother does it anyway, over the objections (and possible physical fight) of the little brother. The little brother, with tears in his eyes says “I’ll never forgive you for this!”
Now, let’s fast-forward a few years. Things were never the same between the brothers. The big brother, having taken advantage of the little brother, found that he had lost the friend and ally that he used to have. This may or may not matter to the big brother, but for our purposes, let’s focus on the little brother.
Years later, he is still obsessed about the event a while back. He thinks constantly about what happened. He mourns for what his collection would have been. Not that he collects now, of course. He won’t give his brother the chance to hurt him again. He stays closed off and looks with mild interest for an opportunity to get revenge. But, his heart isn’t in it. What really kills him is not that the collection was forcibly stolen from him, but that his trusted big brother was the one that did it.
Unforgiveness stems more from what “wasn’t there” than what happened.
Think about any case where you felt like you couldn’t forgive. It wasn’t about the physical details about what happened. It was instead about that feeling you get inside when you see/hear/feel that your trust has gone unfulfilled. It’s a terrible feeling. It cuts us to our very core.
The natural response when we are injured is to pull back. Try getting an animal or very small child to let you remove a painful splinter and you’ll see what I mean. When our trust violated, it can turn our world upside down, and our reflex action is to close off and shut down. Sometimes we just shut down a little piece, sometimes we go numb entirely, and decide not to forgive the universe at large. Same end result.
Instead of being able to move, work, play, and live we are instead stuck paying attention to the injury. Even with constant damage control, the injury can get infected, and get worse. Emotionally, this can be anything from severing an otherwise good and healthy relationship, all the way up to the most self-destructive behavior.
What about vengeance?
Ah. Vengeance. Remember when I asked you to really feel vengeance for a bit? Think back to it now. Felt better than when you were feeling the fresh betrayal of trust, didn’t it? Another automatic defense mechanism. In fact, there’s a pretty solid (if crazy) logic to it:
Why is revenge a dish best served cold? Why is vengeance most strongly felt for someone close to you? Because you care. It may not seem like it, but you do. In almost every vengeance scenario, the principal objective is not to cause harm as such, but rather to make the target understand what you experienced. Generally, we don’t care if people understand our point of view that well unless they’re that important to us.
“Oh yeah, they’ll be sorry” is just a way for us to express how hurt we felt simply because words tend to fail miserably at expressing human emotion. This also stirs up the blood a bit, and helps us deal with the hurt we felt. The hurt is still there, but now there is an outlet for it.
Wouldn’t you rather have the sliver out?
I’m not saying that what “they” did was right. I’m not saying that you weren’t hurt. I’m not even saying that you should “forgive and forget” as the saying goes.
What I suggest is that by allowing yourself to harbor vengeance and unforgiveness, you are just the same as a little one that won’t let a splinter be taken out. As adults, most of us will dig out a splinter with no problem. We know that even if there is momentary pain to get it out, it’ll be ok. The pain will just be momentary and we’ll have our hand or foot back, pain-free.
I can say from experience it isn’t easy, even if you know it’s the right thing for you to do. Just keep in mind what you really want. Do you really want to let your unforgiveness ruin your life? Will you just give up the game because one move went against you? I’d rather have the sliver out, and get my hand back. Let me share some collected wisdom on the topic:
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”
“When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive”
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
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***The November 2007 Challenge***
This is the badge for my two goals. There are two “points”: One for each piece of the challenge. (Living up to the “Blogging Promise” at right and maintaining a good, consistent meditation practice each and every day.) The challenge began 11-9-2007 and ends 12-9-2007. Comments, suggestions, and feedback welcome!
