It’s been my experience (especially recently) that as you start getting past the “big stuff” that’s been holding you back or getting in your way, that you find more underneath. As you go through this cycle a couple of times, you find yourself running into things that you had plain forgotten up until now.
What gives?
I knew, in theory, that I would always be working on something, but I had imagined that after a few rounds of clearing out the attic, so to speak, that eventually I would run basically dry and just contend with one or two issues from my past while the bulk of my energies would be focused on the future.
What I didn’t fully consciously realize is the fundamentally flawed nature of that approach. As we move forward, and as we push our limits, we run into bits of old garbage in our psyche. It didn’t noticeably bother us before, simply because we never tried going beyond it. Now that we are stepping over the line, that bit of junk is speaking up.
Interestingly, the different levels of resistance that I have encountered have had triggers all along the chronological order of my life. In other words: The date a triggering event happened has nothing to do with when it comes up in my day-to-day life. I’ve had stuff from my early adult years, my early years, and my time in high school all mixed up as to what I’m dealing with at the moment.
The problem with time.
I had been so focused on the concept of clearing out the past and then tackling the future, that I had missed the greater truth: In this kind of quest, time really does have no meaning. Trying to work with just the past, present, or future was automatically ineffective, as they are all interrelated. While pondering this I remembered an old quote:
Who controls the past controls the future.
Who controls the present controls the past.
-George Orwell
While the original quote had more to do with intrigue, politics, and revisionist history, it can also represent a powerful message for personal transformation:
Who controls the past controls the future.
This part, I pretty much had already. I had been working on clearing out the stuff from the past, but hadn’t made any headway. When I started actively building towards the future I started getting more and more of my past coming up (and cleared out).
Who controls the present controls the past.
As I continue to refine myself, to become more than I was previously, I find a greater peace and acceptance of myself. The past is there, and unlike the source of the quote, I’m not looking to rewrite the events of my past. What I have found is that I have no need to do so. My past and my future are both just points on the continuum of my time here. Each is to be cherished and accepted, but neither is as important as what is happening at this exact moment.
The realization of this truth hit me like a wave of warmth. I will always be working on the past, just as I am always working on the future. The truly wonderful aspect of that is that in so doing I am reclaiming and literally loving my life more than if I were to do as my initial perspective implied, and “sort out” the past, moving directly to the future.
Past, present, and future. Seeing actually understanding them all in this fashion is . . . a unique experience. One that has been written about for centuries. But until you actually step up and experience it, there’s no way to get a grasp on it.
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