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When it comes to happiness in your life, your loved ones figure in strongly. Holidays are an excellent example of how they can affect your level of happiness. For good or bad 
Keeping our loved ones close to our hearts is good and an important part of life, but that can also present some challenges. My hope is to help overcome the challenges so you can keep focusing on the good stuff.
Relatives and friends, and how to handle them
It is important to remember that just as you are responsible for your own happiness, so too are they responsible for theirs. There is a difference between having compassion for someone and getting sucked in. If a loved one is having a rough time, by all means be there for them. However, don’t let them pull you down. They are instinctively trying to pull themselves up, but letting them pull you down won’t fix the problem. Instead, it will merely put you down there with them and now the two of you have to find your way out of the doldrums. Does that mean that you should avoid them when they’re down? Certainly not. Be there for them. Just remember to check whether or not your helping them is your idea or theirs. Don’t deplete yourself trying to improve their situation. Dr. Wayne Dyer has a saying that I repeat to myself at least once each day at varying times:
You cannot be sick enough to make someone healthy. You cannot be poor enough to make someone else wealthy. You cannot be sad enough to make someone else happy.
My point bringing this up is that if you use this as a kind of mental filter or sorting criteria, you can see what is and isn’t a good idea. Helping someone only works if they want to be helped. Making yourself broke, sick, and miserable while not really changing someone’s situation doesn’t serve them, you, or the world.
The same is true for someone who is trying to run your life for you. This is a mirror-image of the scenario I just described. When someone is trying to run your life, often they will have the best of intentions. They want you to be secure/safe/wealthy but quite often, they will remove some of your freedom of choice. Of course, they can never remove it all, but life can get pretty bad.
The first step is to make sure that you are approaching the situation from a position of love, not anger. You may be angry at the person for trying to run your life, but remember: They were doing what they did out of love. Next you need to understand deep down that nobody can live your life but you. You’re in the captain’s chair. Like a captain, you can take in all of the information, but the choice ultimately comes down to you. If your loved one takes exception to your choice, lovingly thank them for their concern and advice, but explain that after weighing the options, you have made your decision and ask that they respect it. If they do respect your decision, then there’s not much to worry about. If, however, they do not, then they may try to argue with you until your fortitude gives way and you give in just to stop them from arguing with you. Don’t give in. If, after having made a decision, someone says that it was the wrong one try asking them if they have new data. If they do, give them a listen and see if it changes things. If they don’t, then gently explain that your decision is made. It is important to be loving and gentle with this process. Firstly, biting someone’s head off for trying to protect a loved one is good for months or years of hurt feelings. For the second, my dad had a saying: “Keep your words short and sweet. There may come a day when you have to eat them.”
Loving your romantic partner
While what I said at the beginning of the last section holds true here as well, it’s also important to remember that your lives are now entwined. You are a part of each other. The odds are very good that you have taken oaths to this effect. As such, your happiness is shared. That makes happiness more complicated, but at the same time all the more beautiful.
When feeling anger or frustration for your romantic partner, it’s really important to engage the brain before opening the mouth. Take a quick moment to ask yourself a couple of questions:
- Is what I’m feeling because of this situation, or is it something else?
- Is this just one of my “buttons” that got pressed?
- Is this something out of my past?
- Am I expecting him/her to be something they are not, or know something they don’t?
By asking yourself these questions, and answering yourself honsestly, you can make your discussions (of whatever volume) more productive. There’s no point going after your girlfriend or husband if the majority of what you are feeling is unresolved issues from your past. I would suggest instead opening up to your partner and try engaging in conversation. Letting your partner know where your buttons are is a sign of trust and good communications all around.
That brings us to the topic of trust and honesty. Very important topic. To love is to hand someone the means to destroy you and let them do as they will. That is what makes love so hard. As such, it is important to not only trust your partner, but make sure you yourself are trustworthy. If your partner doesn’t trust you, let him or her know that you intend to earn that trust. Then do it. You won’t be completely happy unless the trust is there. If you are having problems trusting your partner, then you need to ask yourself if this lack of trust is the result of his/her actions (or inactions), or if either of you is simply afraid to trust. If it was the result of his or her actions, then ask yourself if it is possible to earn your trust. If trust is lost, then it needs to be healed together. If it cannot be recovered, then the relationship must adapt as needed.
I see and hear a lot of people in committed relationships who wish that there was more romance. If your relationship has lost spark, then try looking within before you give up hope. Quite often when we wish for romance, we think that the other person should be more romantic. We reason that this would make us feel more romantic ourselves. A saying I heard years ago stated that instead of focusing on finding the perfect lover, we should attempt to become a perfect lover. Of course, I’m talking about an existing relationship, but the concept still holds. Love is a verb as well as a noun. Try focusing on bringing the romantic spark to the relationship:
- Surprise him or her with a token of affection
- Shower him or her with honest praise and appreciation
- Find some time to “get away” together for a few hours just to spend some time together. If you feel that together time is not the problem, try getting together in the middle of the day. Try having lunch together, or go out for ice cream.
- Some time, when you are together, look at him or her and remind yourself of the wonderful person with whom you are sharing your life. Remember all the little and not so little things that have brought you together over time. They may catch you staring, and ask you what’s going on. Tell the the truth, and share what you’re feeling at the moment. They’ll appreciate hearing it.
Kids, kids, kids
A quick disclaimer here: I myself do not have children. Despite that fact, I am the oldest (by far) of six, and have quite a bit of experience with them. Accordingly, my advice in this area will be brief. Kids are uniquely observant. They have fewer (or in the young cases, none of) the mental filters and blinders that we have installed. Learn to value and understand the kid’s perspective. Who knows, the kid may point out that the emperor isn’t wearing anything, when you might have overlooked that fact. Also remember to make use of the golden rule with your kids. I know that they can be trying. I know that you’re constantly looking out for their well-being. I’m not saying that you should give free-rein. You’re the parent and therefore the boss. What I am saying is try to see it from their side once in a while. If a policy doesn’t sound like it would be fair to you, it probably won’t be seen as being fair when you try it on them. Plus, how do you expect to truly enforce a policy, that you, yourself, would be unwilling to follow? I’m not talking about what you had as a kid, because some parenting techniques simply aren’t done anymore. What I am saying is that if you and the child had the roles reversed, would you like the rule applied to you?
Another important thing is to talk with your kids. Not “at” and not “to”, but “with” them. Talk with your kids and make it a habit. If you talk with your kids often and display a true interest in their life, the hard discussions will be easier, because you will have that rapport in place already. If you are future-minded enough, you don’t have to have a “Talk” on each subject, but work in a line or two once in a while. Having been taught that way, I can tell you that over years, this really pays off. Last but not least, it is important to find what inspires your young one’s mind. If you can inspire the child the child will exceed your expectations. If the child is bored, disillusioned, and disappointed, that is a recipe for trouble. I in my youth have been on both sides of that equation.
Remember, that in order to be really successful in bringing happiness to your loved ones, to not give up on your own happiness. As you become a happier person, you share that happiness with those around you, who in turn reflect it back to you. The world is not a zero-sum game where if one person wins, others lose. Everyone can win, if everyone tries.
