So, I didn’t update. Not only that, but I didn’t meditate. Oh, and my sleep still wasn’t/isn’t up to standard. I’d re-routed power, but it still isn’t enough.

You might be wondering, why doesn’t he just focus on one: meditation or the sleep schedule? Well, the problem is that they rely on one another. The sleep schedule makes the meditation possible and vice-versa. On top of all of this, I have a volunteer project that I’m abominably overdue on. That’s an energy sap, but I refuse to cave on that one.

A thought comes to mind of one of the greatest real-life examples of the “re-route power” analogy: The Apollo 13 mission. If you haven’t seen the movie Apollo 13, you really should. It’s a masterpiece and pretty accurate, as well.

Having cut power to everything, they barely survived until it was time to start-up everything for the last part of their journey. But there was a problem: If they started up everything, then they wouldn’t have enough juice. No matter how they arranged it, no matter what permutations they used, it just wasn’t enough.

I found myself in the same situation. I needed enough willpower to get my meditation and sleep schedules started, but I’m starting from a point of exhaustion. Today, after artfully letting an emotional gut-punch at work roll off me, I decided that I was going to deliberately relax. My focus is getting back on balance. For the rest, I’m going to be gentle with myself. Yes, I’m going to continue to eat healthy. Yes, I’m still going to a job wherein people scream demands for the impossible. And yet, having made the determination to be good to myself, I find the situation already changed. I’m meditating tonight, and I’ve cooked up a couple of ways to make sure that I’m up when I need to be. The rest will take care of itself.

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Category: Effectiveness,Meditation — John Allison @ 7:22 am —

So, yesterday wasn’t good. I could think of a couple of salty aerospace and military phrases, but I want to keep this family-friendly. Suffice it to say that not only did I use my safety valve yesterday, but I blew the other meditation too. During my years of association with the LDS church, I came across several bits of wisdom. One that lies half-remembered to me now goes something like “Unless you seek the Kingdom of God first, don’t be surprised what happens in the end.” I’m butchering the quote as it’s been many years, but I think you get the gist.

A failure of active planning made for an environment where stopping to meditate wouldn’t work. It’s not enough to have commitment to the process. I have to set structures in place to keep it going. This blog is one, and Habitforge is another, but I still need to make it happen. The counter goes to zero. Sigh.

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Category: Awareness,Internal monitoring,Reality — John Allison @ 10:43 pm —

Good meditations today. Good as in I did them and there wasn’t even that much resistance, thank goodness. The dog doesn’t count.

On the other hand, noticing the raw currents of my thoughts and feelings has its ups and downs.

Sir Terry Pratchett writes of a fantasy blend of coffee that makes one “knurd”. This messes with your reality just as much as alcohol does, but in the opposite direction: Your clarity, memory, and understanding of the world sharpens to uncomfortable and then unbearable levels. In a strike of pure genius, one of his characters, a recovering alcoholic, is described as being naturally knurd to a small degree. He kept intuitively trying to find balance, and missing horribly. But I digress.

I’m feeling a little knurd today. It’s normal and I’ll adapt, but still a little uncomfortable.

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Category: Awareness,Existential Compound Interest,Internal monitoring,Meditation — John Allison @ 10:14 pm —

I hadn’t expected to need to use my emergency valve short meditation so soon. But I let myself get absorbed in minutia and then let myself hesitate on top of it.
Seriously, hesitation is turning out to be one of my most consistent time sinks. I’d be better off doing anything in some cases than to dither and lose (in one case from the past) 2+ hours from the day. But, I’ve managed to keep equilibrium despite work wobbles and a dog that – I swear – had made it his personal mission to ensure I don’t mediate. It’s been touch and go , but I seem to have a winning strategy: don’t be where he can stage a disruption. Time will tell.

In other news, I seem to be rapidly returning to the tonal I remember. Making those existential “bookmarks” seems to have helped.

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Category: Theory — John Allison @ 10:27 pm —

So, countless times when I was a kid, I’d be watching a sci-fi show and Our Heroes would be getting a pounding from something. One of the crew would tell The Captain (or other authority figure, but let’s face facts: I’m a trekkie and no getting around it) that a critical system had just been hosed. The Captain, being the tactical genius that he is, wisely decides to re-route power from the systems which are keeping them from dying but which aren’t quite so absolutely vital at the moment over to the systems that are keeping them alive but which need every joule of energy in order to pull their bacon out of the fire. What fails (or if there even is a failure, sometimes the situation at large is just that dire) and what system gets the juice varies. Sometimes, they might even shut down life support in order to give the shields or engines that extra 0.00001% of juice necessary to save the day.  I paint this using a tone of ridicule but I do so only because I love it all. And it teaches a very valuable lesson.

About a year ago, my back got fed up with me and walked off the job. Much to my chagrin, I have never yet to regain the physical and spiritual edge that I had. Maslow’s pyramid of needs may not be accurate, but dealing with pain and fatigue on a long-term basis gets old.

Very recently my back started acting up on me. A year later, almost to the week. Growl. At the same time, I’m pissed because I haven’t been meditating anywhere near what I really want to, I haven’t been writing like I want to. I just had a month without my delightfully distracting wife nearby, and I’d planned to go into a veritable Jedi mode and meditate and write my arse off. Instead? It was all I could do to keep the wheels of day-to-day life spinning.

I am here for more than minutia. I am here to do many things, some of them great, even. But how am I supposed to do anything with a body that seems to consipre against me and an energy level that precludes anything other than the basics?

Well, job one is an audit to find out what goes on. First thing’s first, stop blowing energy on fussing about the problem. Doesn’t help, and prolongs the problem. Now, clear out the email inbox. This is actually more stress-relieving than you might think. A couple of pointers if you’re using gmail: searching for the terms “in:inbox unsubscribe” and “in:inbox team” (without the quotes) will enable you to get rid of a lot of the stuff that you actually wanted to subscribe to but never actually read. For many of us, this is the majority of our inbox.

Finish that up, then move on to it’s mirror, my exocortex: I use a combination of Evernote to archive useful info, ideas, inspirations, observations and reference material and Nozbe to parse it into a series of tasks to complete.

I use the term exocortex in this post. It’s a relatively new term so here’s an introduction: Wikipedia defines an exocortex as “a theoretical artificial external information processing system that would augment a brain’s biological high-level cognitive processes.” In my case, I have Evernote  to augment my memory and catch ideas, inspirations, and other useful data as they arise. That’s how this post started. Combined with Nozbe, I have my knowledge and will encoded digitally, without being burdened with worrying about upcoming this or have to get or do that. Makes imagination, mindfulness, and intuition more accessible when it works.  Now, imagine what happens when your knowledge and will crash….  Done screaming? Read on.
Quick note: The main benefit of the GTD system (nozbe) is that it does have some exocortex function: It allows you to offload worrying about this or that so you can focus entirely on what you decide to work on. The problem is if you ever fall behind, it will demoralize you more than if you started, as you can very clearly see all the things that aren’t getting done. Bad juju.

So, clean up Evernote and prune Nozbe. Sort the vitals, shovel the rest into the virtual burn pile. Light it up.

I’m feeling a little energetic breathing room. Now what? Hmm. Perhaps it’s time to remind myself of my “keys” or “bookmarks” of where I want my mind to be. Considering I’m feeling beat down recently, let’s start with Invictus. A good start. Now, something to get the blood up. How about some Brand New Day?

Hmm. Better. Gotta act quick before I’m immobilized again. Quick and dirty diagnosis: A combination of energy starvation, a bottleneck in the exocortex, and some genuine health concerns. The rest is a snowball effect from that.

Ok, so I already have a couple of processes in place to work on the health stuff so I remove it from my mental workspace. Bottleneck in the exocortex is mostly symptom but it starts from a seed, so need to make sure that seed never gets planted. Energy starvation: I already know I haven’t been meditating as much as I would like. I’ve viewed this that I’m not treating myself as well as I would like, but not crash-priority vital. Therefore, it got shelved and bumped to the back over time. This is not good.

So, time for reconstruction. The exocortex is ordered and operating. Gotta keep it that way. If my digital mental processes get filled with junk and sludge, is it any surprise the rest of my mind suffers? A regimen of making DARN sure that my inbox is empty, Evernote is sorted, and Nozbe is updated, and the whole thing is fed with ubiquitous capture. As for energy starvation, meditation is no longer considered to be a dear luxury. I just don’t operate well without it. I’ve come too far. Just as with the exocortex, I’m a more spiritual being than I ever have been. Is it any wonder that I suffer if the spiritual is not fed? Twice daily meditations, no excuses. In extreme circumstances, a brief meditation will be allowed, but not more than once in 48 hours.

I worry that my darling wife will be upset at the time I will be unavailable due to these new directives. I comfort myself that she would probably rather have a husband that is vital, active, and in good spirits as opposed to a husband that can barely scrape himself off the floor. (Before posting, my beautiful bride noticed that I was operating much better and was more than supportive of my initiatives. Life is good and she’s even better.)

I will return to writing my main site in about a month. Until then, I will get back in the habit of writing and reinforcing my new direction simultaneously by logging my progress here daily…. Did I really just write that? Yes. Much as I’m nervous about adding too much, I need some external accountability in order to make it all work. Sigh. This….is going to be interesting.

Oh, yes. One more element. I really should discuss. I’ve let my wards and defenses sit untended as well. My Reiki master and good friend Nanette would argue that defenses dull the senses and only cut you off from the world. I, however, view energetic defense more like modern computer security: A firewall to determine what kind of connections you want and with whom and combine it with a process to remove malignant programs when and if they get in anyway. You can still browse anywhere you want and even, if you so decide, go into the dangerous areas. It’s just common sense in my book. So, I’ll be bringing that back, too. This is the log for today, July 21st 2010, and may all of you be blessed.

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